An email I just sent

Hey, hey, hey it's Fat Albert!!!! No, I have no idea where that came from. Probably due to a serious lack of sleep and chocolate chip cookies. Most likely the cookie part. That and I just ate one of those Weight Watcher meals. Tuna Noodle Gratin. And just as you could expect, it tasted like ass. In fact I think ass tastes better. Although I wouldn't know because I've never tasted ass. And it's definitely not on my top ten things to do in life before I die. Tasting ass, no. Seeing George Clooney's ass in real life, yes. 

Just checking in and seeing how you are doing? Hope you are well and laughing your ass off at just how random this email is. 

Let's figured out the piano logistics soon okay?

Talk to you soon. I need to find me some cookies before I go ape shit on someone. PMS + stress = not a happy Nikki. 

Later!

Nik

(and just so you concerned people could be relieved I am in possession of cookies. Store brand chocolate chip cookies to be exact. Not bad. Not orgasm worthy. It'll do.)

Explanation please

Can anyone pretty please with a cherry on top please explain Taylor Momsen to me? Seriously. I do not get her. At all. First off isn't she 17 or so? I would lock my daughter up and throw away the key if at 17 she decided she needed to wear lingerie as clothes. Yes, obviously Taylor dresses like a 2 bit whore to get attention. It must work, because even a poor schmuck like me is wasting my valuable time discuss her wardrobe habits.

(Wait, give me a moment - I do have a point here. Somewhere.....)

What bugs the shit out of me with this public display of whorishness are the young impressionable girls that look up to Momsen and think that this is the way women need to display themselves to gain attention - that looking like you charge 2 bucks an hour is appropriate. Even more so, it teaches our young women that they don't have to value themselves. As a women and as a person.

So please Miss Momsen, do the young women of the world a huge favor and put some damn clothes on already.

Whino alert

Last Saturday I pulled my back out while trying to put together my daughter's doll house she got for her birthday.  I am obviously so filled with grace. The worst part? I am not in possession of any form of a muscle relaxer.

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You know what I hate? When you are driving down the expressway and some yahoo bigger then you, like a semi truck or a space ship, thinks they can just pull right in front of you in their attempt at trying to remove the front of your vehicle. You, being the ever safety nut, slam on your brakes, causing your phone to go falling on the floor and your expensive Starbucks coffee to spill everywhere, except that I don't drink coffee. I'm even bigger fucked because (see back excuse above) I can't reach my damn phone on the floor. That is if I don't want to get stuck on the floor of my van, trying to get my phone, all listening to my two year old, who loves her damn doll house thankyouverymuch, repeat over and over again "What doing Mommy? What doing?" To which I reply, "Trying to call the damn Mother ship sweetheart!" I can't wait for daycare's phone call when she repeats that line to her friends.

**********

That said, if anyone would like to share any of their muscle relaxers, I would be so inclined to accept. As would the damn mother ship.

I need a hobbie, otherwise known as I suck at creating blog titles

I live in the great state of Michigan. Please note that the use of the word great was not in any way, shape or form sarcastic. I do think my state is great. Think Tony the Tiger, "It's Greeeaaaat!"

Or something like that.

Despite how awesome my state is (see how I claim it as mine? It's not like hundreds of thousands of other people also live in the state.) the road commission clearly sucks ass at making decent road side slogans for the digital billboards. Right now it states "Drive nice and slow in ice and snow." Seriously? My six year old could come up with better rhymes than that. Obviously they need to employ me to create more interesting and entertaining phrases. Currently I think it should state "When in bad weather don't drive like a bitch or you could end up in a ditch." It's catchy don't you think.? Or "When driving don't drink beer or you could hit a deer." Ooo, how about "My grandma drives better than your punk ass." Sheer brilliance don't you think?

Didn't your mother ever tell you ignoring people is rude?!?!

Don't you just love it when bloggers say "Look at me! I'm back! I'm blogging again!" and then they promptly disappear again?!

(crickets chirping)

I do too. Man. I'm such a bitch.

Okay, so in my defense, it's been a crazy ass month that has left me curled up in the fetal position begging for the torture to end. In no particular order my last month or so has looked like this:

• son gets strep
• I get what they think is strep
• no, no! kidding! I have the worse case of vertigo ever, which send me to the ER after barfing my guts up for 12 hours. Apparently water is supposed to be kept down and not end up in the toilet bowl. Anti vertigo meds are my new hero. 
• daughter gets hideous cold/ upper respiratory shit that causes her to wheeze like a 2 pack a day habit smoker. I told that kid to stop smoking. Do you think she would listen?
• last week, in a forbidden game of chase in the house, said daughter falls and bashes her head on the edge of the wall. A trip to the ER and 2 staples later, she is fine.
• that is until next morning when she wakes up with a blood splattered sheet and only one staple in her head. Trip to her regular doctor, super glue and a new Mickey Mouse book, she is fine. What, you didn't know Mickey Mouse books make everything better. Apparently they do, if you are almost 2 yrs old. 
• Tenant in our rental house moves out, leaving us with another mortgage to cover.

See? I'm done. I've had enough. Got it. Oh yeah, and tomorrow would have been my mother's 60th birthday and daughter is scheduled to get the one staple removed. Fuuuccckkkk. That said, my art studio Open House is still scheduled for this Saturday and so far the weather looks like it will be my friend. It should be fun! No really, I'm super duper excited. Enough so that I said super duper.  

And if all else fails to turn my bad mood around, there's always vodka.

Right?

That time of year again

It's time for the dreaded once of year female check up. Just for this splendid occasion I have worn my Eeyore underwear. Totally appropriate. Right?!

I hate titling blog posts

Have you ever blown your nose so hard that you shot a booger across the room?

No? Huh.....(awkward silence). Me neither......

I also haven't shaved my legs in two weeks.

I bet at this point you are just stoked that I am blogging again. After all how could you live without this pertinent information?

It could have been worse. I could have said that I was caught masturbating. Now THAT would be embarrassing.